Sometimes people in your small group will ask if they can invite someone new. How do you decide and respond to this question? An important attribute to consider is your system for making this decision so that it can be made consistently and prevent someone else from being hurt by your response in the future.

When can someone invite someone new to a small group? If you’re a seeker focused small group with open spots then welcome members to invite others. If you’re a growth based, then consider if the person that is being invited is a church member. If so, ensure they are committed.

Personal Story:

There was a lady at our church that was on the fringe. I mean fringe as she was showing up to church, but didn’t talk to anyone, really disconnected, and even sometimes fell asleep during service. (I know because I could hear her snoring from clear on the other side.) It was on the heart of someone in our small group to reach out to her and love on her.

We decided we had space in our small group and invited her to join. One mistake we made was inviting her without letting everyone in the small group know our intentions and giving them a head notice. Ideally, we would have let our whole small group know that we had space and an opening and ask if there was anyone on their hearts or minds that they wanted to invite. Instead, we saw a need and jumped the gun.

We anticipated from the start that this lady, we’ll call her Caroline, was going to be more on the high needs end of the relationship. The small group was open to Caroline from the beginning and ready to serve and love on her. We quickly learned that she also needed transportation to and from the small group, so my wife and I offered to help in the short term and hoped the rest of the small group would eventually pitch in. This was a sacrifice for us as this was previously our mini-date time when we could catch up, and spend time praying for our small group.

Introducing Caroline to our existing small group was like jumping into cold water. Shocking. It changed everything. We thought it was worth the cost of comfort. We thought it was worth people restarting the relationship building process for the sake of bringing someone from the fringe, into the fold of fellowship.

As time progressed, Caroline slowly opened up a bit about her anger problems, her childhood, and her pains. Unfortunately, this transparency was kept to just me and my wife as we gave her rides.

She didn’t like being touched, so any attempt from a small group member to shake hands (or God forbid hug) was met with a very unpleasant reaction that was actually offensive. In addition, her scars came out as rudeness towards others in the group. One of the men approached me in confidence and explained even though he could put up with her, he could not tolerate her being rude to his wife.

We had to approach Caroline and have some really hard conversations. We were concerned these conversations would go south and cause all of the ‘growth‘ to be erased.

Unfortunately, those predictions were correct. Any attempt to coach or provide feedback was confronted with reason or explanations that passed the blame onto others.

I’m not trained in any way on mental health, but it has become a realization that mental health issues are more common than I ever imagined. There were deep issues here that we were not prepared for. We were hopeful and prayerful that a small group would help.

After a few months, Caroline decided to stop coming.

I was sad, and honestly, I was also happy. We were hosting a growth based small group. And the cost of outreaching and extending our group to Caroline had the consequence of crushing growth for everyone already attending. I was relieved that the decision to stop attending was made by her, and was not put on me to ask her to stop attending. We discussed the reason with her and encouraged her to push through it and reconsider her decision. She refused. I wrestled with guilt for a little a while as I felt that we lost someone. Small group is like a family. After some time I felt really glad about the decisions that were made. To say it bluntly, I don’t believe she desired to grow. And because of this, it created a burden that impacted the potential growth of everyone else in the small group.

A couple weeks after she stopped coming, fellowship started to improve again. People were less tense and guarded, more willing to contribute, and people started hugging again.

I share this story with you in humility and honesty so you can consider more closely consider who and when you invite to your small group.

Preparing Your Small Group

When you are ready to invite someone, share it with members of your small group before inviting the new person. Give them an opportunity to invite people, instead of you as the leader always being in control of who is invited and who isn’t. This really communicates that they are important and what’s on their hearts and minds is important. Being a small group leader means serving. By giving up control of the openings you have in your small group you are placing your members first before you.

Don’t vote

What you don’t want to do is propose someone you want to invite and ask what people think of that person. Never allow gossip about people. You’re instead asking what they think about extending your small group to include more people. You can share who it is you, or someone else, wants to extend an invitation to, but follow up on this by telling people to follow up with you privately if they have any concerns.

Personal Story:

When I was new to leading small groups, I had the most awkward thing happen that still makes me cringe when I think about how I handled it. We had space in our small group, and everyone knew it, and someone brought up the idea of inviting a couple from church to join us. They pointed out this couple fit our group as they were newly married and might benefit from the material we were reviewing. The member proposing the idea never mentioned the name of the couple they wanted to invite. I didn’t think much of it, so I approved the idea and encouraged the small group member to follow up with the couple and invite them. I didn’t give any opportunity for the other small group members to escalate any concern to me in private. Later that night I received a call from a member of our small group. They expressed they had a concern about who this couple was. They continued by explaining there was a couple they knew from church and previously been in a small group with that sounded much like the couple described early that evening. Their issue was that this couple gossiped a lot, and didn’t keep small group conversations confident. If this suspected couple joined our group it would severely damage our group, and the concerning member would be stepping out. They asked me to assure them that if this was the couple they suspected, that I would refuse to let them join.

What an awkward and horrible position to be put in. Here is a recap of the situation:

• We had room in our small group for more people already told the member they could invite a couple
• I didn’t know who the couple was
• A member had an issue with a couple from church
• They wanted me to ensure this wasn’t the couple
• I didn’t know who this couple was

Because I loved and felt loyal to the small group member bringing up the concern, I wanted to serve them. I also trusted them that the concern they were bringing to me was founded on experience. I also appreciated the way he called me and escalated his concern in private. At this point, I was ready to deny this couple from joining! Only one problem, I didn’t know who they were. I didn’t want to ask him, and he didn’t want to tell me so that not to gossip himself. I had a brilliant idea… I asked him to give me one of their initials!

So dumb. (I’m embarrassed to share this story)

That’s why I write this stuff. So you don’t make the same dumb mistakes I did.

Within Boundaries

Consider the purpose of your small group and consider what the small group is ready and willing to handle. In hindsight, our small group was not ready to outreach to someone with mental health issues and because it, it impacted the quality of the existing fellowship. Again, I’m not saying to ignore people on the fringe that might benefit from fellowship, I’m just recommending you approach it prayerfully and include your small group in that decision.

Purpose

Serving people means considering their needs and desires on what they will get out of the small group. If your small group has the purpose of serving newly married couples, consider this before inviting an elderly man just because he looks lonely. Leadership is going into the uncomfortable and sometimes means being criticized because your decision looks unloving to someone else. By saying no to something, you’re saying yes to something else.

Expectations

Some small groups have an ‘open chair‘ policy, meaning there is always an open space for anyone to invite someone at any time. At the other end of the spectrum some small groups are closed meaning they are full and not accepting anyone else into their small group. Let your small group know where in the spectrum you are.

Growth based small groups require depth, authenticity, and transparency. Almost every time someone new comes to small group these character attributes are reset. Even if one new person is present, the majority of regular members will reset their depth gauges. This means they will change what they share, and how much they share.

What if the new person doesn’t like the small group?

Great, more room for someone else! Each small group is unique and has its own flavor. It’s so much better and easier on everyone if a new person can figure out early on if the group isn’t for them. Don’t be hurt, instead celebrate.

What if the person wants to join our group?

Great, congratulations on the new member. Set time aside to talk through the small group commitments with them. Review the small group covenant, review your schedule, material and provide them with any other expectations. Allow them to ask any questions so they can jump right in.

How many people can we invite into small group?

Small groups tend to work best when they’re small, thus the name ‘small groups’. But what is a small group? Ideally, it’s between six and twelve people. Can it work if it’s smaller than that, yes but it takes people that are really dedicated to sharing what they are learning and sharing that journey with the other few people. It’s typically harder to have a  good discussion for an hour with only a handful of people. Can it work if the group is bigger than twelve people, yes but it will someone cause people NOT to share? It starts to turn from a small group to an audience. This environment is no longer intimate and isn’t conducive to transparent discussions. If your small group does get this big, consider breaking out into Tiny Groups. Below we’ve linked an article about Tiny Groups. I’ve seen small groups be successful at fellowship with up to sixteen people. This required really good leadership to get everyone on track and on point. If the group gets any bigger than this it’s a good idea to consider splitting the small group and creating a new one. 

What Are Tiny Groups in Small Group