High needs people can be defined as people that demand more attention on a regular basis, than other people in small group. This can be due to how much they desire to talk and share information, the way they trail off topic. It might be the way they interrupt other people. Or the way they always need something from somebody, especially leaders. 

Some of these people are just people that just haven’t received as much social training. They are like children.  Others may have mental health issues. They are two separate issues, but when we look at an adult that is acting like a child, or has childish tendencies, some of the same principles on how we approach them can apply. 

One great resource we have, on considering how to help people high needs people in small group, is the Bible. And because they act like children we can look at a parenting model on how to help them. The Bible says in John___,  “train a child up in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it. “

Our goal then is to help train them up in the way they should go. Most people with high needs in small groups have never been trained on how they should react, or handle situations. Often times these social groups actually create a stress or anxiety that bring these behaviors to the surface.

These people are just as loving, and need God just as much as the rest of us. They are going to benefit from fellowship, they are going to benefit from getting to know the Lord more.  And through that they will experience growth in their life and their behavior through time. 

There are also additional things we can do in the meantime to help high needs people.  It’s a three prong approach. 

Step 1 – Yourself

The first thing, is to look at yourself. Examine your heart. In parenting the Bible says we should never discipline in anger. So before reprimanding, or training the high needs person in small group we need to have a heart of grace, like Jesus has on us. Accept them exactly the way they are today. We should give them an allowance to be unique in the way God crated them. We should give them patience with the way they talk and interrupt and do other things that disturb our plans, and how we want small group to go. 

To do this we need to be in constant prayer and submission to the Lord. When we find our hearts start molding and softening towards the person and accepting them for who they are, and not wanting to change them for our benefit, we can move on to the second step. An indication that you are at this point is if you can say that you can love and accept this person just the way they are even if they never change. If and when you can do this, move on. 

Step 2 – Small Group Members

The second step in parenting is always focused on the older sibling. In this case of a high needs member, is the other small group members. Once you know your heart is right, and you accept them for who they are, and you can be patient with their high needs, move on to the rest of the small group. Take the time to ask them how they are doing.  They are probably going through the same struggles that you were having.

Talk to them about how they view that person, what kinds of struggles are they having in their heart? What does God want them to do? Does God want to use this in their life to grow them? Ask them to have grace on them. Then wait.

You might have to have this conversation two or three times. This challenge might turn out o be a huge growing opportunity inside the small group because when we judge somebody it’s actually sin in our own heart. Often times we want to conform people into the people we want them to be. A friend of mine once said to me, “People are not your happy toys.” And I feel this is so true in small group with high needs people. We need to be open and willing to engage and have fellowship with everyone, not just the people that are happy and cheerful and easy to be around all the time. 

It’s going to take you extra time and that’s one of the issues with high needs people – it’s not just a them issue. it’s a we issue. And God uses this to transform our heart and transform the way we see people. We are going to go through problems in life. And this is more than an example of what can happen to somebody, it’s actually a precursor to where we are and what we do in some relationships. It’s a real opportunity to observe, learn, and apply what God wants us to do in our relationships. 

When you’ve coached the small group members and you can see them softening, and not getting frustrated or angry with the high needs person by loving them authentically, approaching them and encouraging them then you’ll know the second step is complete. 

And now its’ time to move on to the third and final step. 

Step 3 – Coaching & Training

This needs needs to be done in love and prayer. Conflict can erupt here at this stage. We can soften all that conflict through love. Once this person can see that you authentically love them, and accept the for who they are, it’s alright to move in and be authentic with them about what you are seeing in their life. 

If you see them interrupting someone in small group ,bring it up gently. The best way I’ve found to do this gently and respectfully is by asking if they see the same thing I do. Ask them, “Do you see yourself interrupting other people talking at small group?” Put it in their lap, give them the opportunity to see it. 

If they see and acknowledge the problem, that is a huge win and huge step in improving (notice I didn’t say ‘fix) the problem. Actualization is the key that is needed to move forward in progress. If they don’t see the problem, then the conversation can end here with just an encouragement  to be more aware of the issue and an offer to help point it out. 

The next step is to pray with them. It’s hard to change. It’s probably the hardest thing to do in life to change beliefs and our behaviors. They are going to need a lot of help. The solution can simple like a simple fix from our perspective, but it’s not easy. Ask them if they ‘d be willing to have you help them. 

When you see them making traction the  best thing you can do is encourage them and affirm them. Tell them how proud you are of them.  The best way I’ve found to do this is with a written note. There is something really special about taking the time to put your thoughts down in a note. In addition the recepient has the option of keeping it, and having it speak to them time and time again. Unlike our spoken words that are gone immediately after they are said, and sometimes forgotten. You can also compliment them, but try to do along with a note. 

Focus not on their behavior, but on their heart and faith. Focus on their willingness to try to love other people in small group.  Confirm you know it’s hard. Lastly ask them how it went. Allow them the opportunity to talk abut it how it’s going. Were they mad about it? Where they frustrated? Were they happy, glad? Typically I see two responses. One they moan and groan about it. In this situation, they are trying to change but their heart isn’t in it and their old behaviors will probably come back in time.

Through the full spectrum of reactions, I don’t see much in the middle, just the ends. 

And that other end, will be someone who is highly encouraged, and thankful you were willing to bring it up and keep them accountable. These people will become life long friends. And you have been given the amazing, and unique opportunity to speak into their life. Use this delicately with love. Continue to help them with this issue, and wait until they ask you for help in other ares. Don’t be quick to move on to the next problem area you see. Three, four, six mounts goes by and they are still doing well in the first area, but there is another glaring issue that is at top of mind, consider through prayer if you should bring that up. But you don’t wan to approach them like a project. Change is slow, and it’s amazing.  

Conclusion

This change, the changing of a life, is not in your control. It’s in God’s control. We need to continue to go to Him and ask him for help. We can have the tendency to believe that if we can change the behavior of the high needs person, our small group will be better. Our goal shouldn’t be to fix problems. Our goal should be to have unity. Our goal should be to serve and love. We can tend to think of people that are socially awkward as the modern day leper, we cast them out. Will you bring them in? Will you offer to carry them to the pool?